Leafy Roasts Steven
by yallmusbelit
Summary: Oh boy.


The video starts as a game of Overwatch is shown on screen.

 **Yo, what's up guys. Welcome to a brand new video. So the other day, I was just chilling out in my room, watching some Youtube videos, smoking some weed with Hitler, when I found this... this masterpiece. This video is just... the greatest fucking thing on YouTube. PewDiePie would be put to shame at this fantastic piece of art. The fucking gods themselves would orgasm at how amazing this video is. With the title "HANGING WITH PERIDOT AND LAPIS", how could it not be?**

The video cuts to footage of Peridot running into a wall, followed by Amethyst laughing profusely and Steven looking on in worry.

 **But anyways, guys. Let's check out "StevenUniverse14's" amazing vlog. So sit back, grab some McDonalds, some anal beads, and maybe even a soda, and let's get right into it. P-p-p-p-puh-PLAY IT.**

The camera starts recording as a young boy with a pink shirt and a yellow star in the middle begins to speak.

"Hey, everyone!", the boy said, obviously excited about doing his first vlog. "My name is Steven, and welcome to my channel! Here I'll be showcasing some things in my life, some interesting Gem stuff, and some videos with my friends!"

 **Okay, first off, what the fuck is this kid wearing? He's wearing like a pink shirt with a star on it, fucking ripped up jean shorts, and flip-flops. He looks like the poorest Jewish kid I've ever seen. And look, I'm not even making fun of him for maybe being poor, because it seems like he lives in a decent house. But Jesus Christ man, put some effort into your clothes, dude.**

Steven starts to record his house, which is seemingly empty. "So this is my house. It's pretty nice and comfy, I've got everything I need here!"

He then goes on to record the rest of his room. "And this is my room, it's kinda small, but I still like it! I've got my TV, and-".

 **This kids house looks so fucking weird. I mean okay, we've got the kitchen and the living room and shit, but what the FUCK is that thing in the background? Is that a fucking Star Wars machine or some shit? Is it a statue? Why are there fucking crystals growing out of it? I'm starting to think this kid might actually be homeless. Or maybe he lives in PeeWee's Playhouse.**

"-and here we've got the Warp Pad. Me and the Gems use it to go on missions and stuff. Pretty cool, right?".

 **Oh yeah man, that's so cool. Going and missions with the Gems and stuff, whoever the fuck the Gems are. Are they like your imaginary friends? Do you guys go on missions to steal the secret lost Golden Bag of Doritos?**

Suddenly, the door behind the Warp Pad opens up, and a short, chubby purple woman with lavender hair walks out.

Steven notices her walk out. "Hey, Amethyst! What's up!?".

Amethyst sees Steven and waves. "Hey, Steven! What's up with, little dude?"

 **Oh my god. What the fuck is THAT thing? She looks like a fucking Gremlin! She looks like a fucking purple Oompa Loompa from Willy Wonka, like what the FUCK, dude. She's so fucking short, dude! Like, what the fuck.**

"Hey Amethyst, say hi to YouTube!", said Steven.

Amethyst walked in front of the camera. "Hey, Youtube~. What's going on with y'all?"

 **Would you please get your face out of the fucking camera? She's so fucking ugly, she looks like a fucking hardcore Tumblr feminist. Or a pig, they're pretty much the same thing.**

Steven took the camera and stepped back a bit. "Hey, you wanna go visit Lapis and Perdiot with me?"

"Sure, little man!", said Amethyst, excited at seeing their friends in the country.

The camera then cuts to Steven and Amethyst walking in the country, heading to some location.

"Alright, so we're almost there, guys! We're gonna meet up with our friends, Lapis and Peridot! They live in a barn."

 **Alright, what is up with these names? Amethyst, Lapis, Peridot? They all sound like fucking stripper names! Is this 13 year old kid just hanging out with strippers? Like what the f-**

"Aaaaand, we're here!"

The camera then switches to a ridiculously modified barn that looks completely out of place.

Leafy starts laughing his ass off.

 **WHAT THE FUCK? What is this fucking Barn? It actually looks like Peewee's Playhouse, I mean what the fuck. Who designed this? Was it Jacob Sartorious? Or Stomedy?**

Steven then puts the Camera on his two friends, who were watching TV in the back of a truck stuck on top of the barn.

"HEY LAPIS, PERDIOT!", yelled Steven.

Lapis and Peridot heard Steven and came down to where he was beneath the TV.

 **Oooooh my god, who are these people? This one bitch has green skin and a fucking Dorito on her head. And this other one is fucking blue and looks like a crack head. Did I teleport into a fucking anime? Where does this kid fucking live?**

Peridot is attempting to reenact a scene from Camp Pining Hearts where Percy runs into a wall to prove his love to Paullete.

She runs into the wall and hits her head, followed by a bunch of random objects falling on her head.

 **And now she's dead. Okay dude, I'm done. This is too fucking much, I can't deal with these fucking freaks anymore.**

 **So in conclusion, kids shouldn't have access to the internet anymore. If they do, then fat gay kids like Stevie boy here will continue to make shitty videos with his friends, who I'm fairly certain have some sort of fucking disease. But that's it for today, guys. I'll see you guys later. Take care.**

An outro plays with some hiphop music in the background.

...

Steven is shown crying in his room, in the dark, late at night. How can someone on the internet be so mean?


End file.
